I'm having a long and lovely pen-pal relationship with my dear, dear friend Kate. She's a force of nature with this core of both strength and vulnerability, and an ability to not only see situations clearly, but to speak honestly to me about anything. That is a very valuable trait to me in a friend, even when it's not what I want to hear, she's to the point and so far, always right.
During our last correspondence, she brought up some thinking points which I will now expand on. Let's keep the "him" in this scenario open to all relationships of a romantic nature, current, past, and future - no particular "him".
I see through our conversation about relationships with the opposite sex, that I've often seen those relationships from a place of fear. Fear that I will lose the object and source of affection and conversely, fear that I will lose myself. To me, especially in the past, it has seemed like a clear exchange - it's either ME or HIM. I either give up my freedom, independence, or I give up him.
From knowing this fear and seeing that belief, I can now apply this to my behavior. When I fear losing my freedom as I get closer to someone, I act out by drinking too much and flirting to reassert that freedom. When I fear losing him, I do other, equally unflattering behaviors - mostly a variety of manipulations, attempts of "buying" love with favors and kindness. In this belief system, love is a commodity that has a price, a price that when paid from that place of fear, can never be integrious. Where somehow in this equation there is a debt, a price.
How would this look if I didn't hold that belief? How would love be gained, or kept? What would it look like if I acted in my own integrity? Maybe it would look like what I am doing now - living a very free life mentally, emotionally, physically. Not engaging with others to seek attention, fend off loneliness, or for a need of physical contact (not that it would be unwelcome... BUT!). Can I do that in the same space as loving another? Loving them as completely as I want to love others.
How do I want to love my partner? My friends? My family? In the same way I want to love myself - without reservation and with respect. This is a tall order, to free myself from the fear, to go into love without the bartering system that I currently hold myself to. To give without want, to love without want, and to know my integrity.
I read a quote at the Bali Spirit Festival: "Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony" - Mahatma Gandhi. There is also another quote I have loved since I was 15, from Frank Herbert: "Fear is the mind-killer." But I will change it to fear is the heart killer. It is what keeps me on the shore, clutching my 50,000 rupiah and watching others surf. It is what keeps me from my true nature, my happiness. From love.