Bought a smart phone. Have yet to do anything more than load skype and facebook on it. Also got a very, very simple/cheap Nikon Coolpix. 16 Megapixel! Also picked up a Thai/English map of Bangkok like Aaron has (and I've been using every time I go into the city - really sweet), a Thai phrase book, map of southern Thailand (island/beachs, anyone?), and a map of Chiang Mai/Chiang Rai, and northern Thailand. All in Thai/English, so I can ask locals and they can point! All the while, during this long shopping trip, I listened to Byron Katie working with various people/beliefs/thoughts.
Damn that inquiry stuff helps! As Meredith told me this morning on Skype, I need to do inquiry on my latest experience, look at this clearly, honestly, without all of my anger/hurt/frustration and really see myself in this scenario to find my peace, my gratitude, the lessons I'm supposed to be learning.
Aaron posted a bunch of pictures we've both taken on our last few days traveling together and I'm damn grateful, downloading them greedily from Facebook, and remembering how lovely those moments all were. I look forward to more lovely moments, some captured on data cards, some not. Like this moment now, perched on the balcony of the apartment, overlooking sparkly downtown Bangkok at night with golden low-hanging clouds.
The peace is inside of me, even now, that forgiveness of myself for acting in innocence, the innocence of wanting companionship, of believing people and circumstances should be other than what they are.
I'm simultaneously looking for volunteer opportunities, and hoping I can plan my next phase around the growth I came here to get, beyond the growth of the last month.
... a day passed ...
It's 2013, by minutes, and yet another satisfying new years celebration attended by me and me alone. I really do hope 2013 isn't as crushing as 2012. What was 2012 to me? Tonight, I can see that it was confusion, hurt, divorce, break up, struggle, seeking, finding, my brother, my family, my friends, fun, music, a deepening, a wisdom often ignored if hard won, and now it's me on the balcony overlooking downtown Bangkok. I just finished an ode to amazement and honesty to my dear, dear friend Kate. A friend who has always had an uncanny clarity, who can see situations in my life with such accuracy, who sees me so well and chooses to tell me the truth as she sees it every time. How could I want for more than that? That and a phone call to Randy who is preparing waffles for his family for breakfast, a call to my dad who discusses camera models and what my next plan is. A meeting at work where we discuss how to do it always better...
What is next? A flight to Chiang Mai, a room at a guesthouse for $12 a night for 20 nights, a pool, a fan, my computer, and best of all, just me. Any energy evaluating others is now done in a vacuum of just me. There is no reaction left other than to know it's only my thoughts, my lens that needs clearing. For to think something or someone should be other than it is, is insanity. Or innocence. I have a ton of new years resolutions too. Meditate more, smoke less, drink less, the usual. We'll see, won't we?
Activities today included buying a bra - no simple task for a DD in a universe of As and Bs. Having dinner with a good friend and discussing love, life, and shoes. Planning the next phases and repacking my bags for the ??? time. Work. Eating. Taking a nap at the height of the day's heat. Enjoying the cool morning and cool evening. Simple, filled with a rollercoaster of thought attachments relaxing into what is.