Just barely out of Portland, on a flight, contemplating the discussion I had with Randy on the way to the airport. He asked me what my goals were on this trip. Whether for his own curiosity or to help me affirm them clearly out loud, this question left me wondering: What are those goals? How have they changed since I determined this trip was happening?
Not too long ago, the goal was to get away from the constant reminders of what I'd lost, what I'd given up, what I was running away from. Every trip down hwy 84 was a series of stops I wouldn't make again, exists I wouldn't look down for fear of longing, pain, anger, all manner of emotional attachments. Clubs, bars, restaurants, faces, all fell into categories of memories I didn't want to re-experience. The decision to move to the other side of the world temporarily made clear sense. I needed space, desperately, a an experience so totally different that I couldn't get lost in remembering.
I was looking for the present.
As my leave date neared, presence grew. As did my daily stress... The unfinished business of my personal life became finish-able. I stopped talking with those I didn't need to talk to (if you're reading this, it ain't YOU), streamlined my belongings (there's still an enormous heap of them in my brother's pole barn...), and forgave those I thought had wronged me. Mostly...
I also cranked up the partying, talking others into joining me, trying to notch it up every time I went out. I stopped sleeping the closer I got to this moment in the air, living on nervous energy and trenta's from Starbucks.
I am full of apprehension and for the same reasons I resisted listing my goals in the car this afternoon. I fear letting myself down on this journey. Of not fully experiencing all I can, of falling into old patterns of behavior, comfortable spaces, work, hangovers, and skip all of the experiences I want. So, in the interest of stating those goals aloud to keep myself on task, I will list them here.
- be quiet. Go a few days without talking.
- meditate. A lot. At least once a day. Doesn't have to be planned, but to seize the opportunity while in line, while waiting, to be present, breathe, pay attention.
- learn new skills. Cooking, massage, a craft or art. Learn to surf.
- health. Sobriety. Eating, sleeping, exercise.
- take photos. Tons of photos.
- excel at work
- write this blog.
If I do the last one on the list, I can check in on my progress.
The quote that is the title of this post came from the Southwest Airlines Spirit article I read of two father combining to help prevent violence after one of the mens' sons killed the other.
Sent from my iPad