It's 3:30am and I'm feeling suddenly rammy. Bad timing for me, but good for soul-searching blog entries. I'm sneaking a cigarette like the guilty teenager I once was trying to look tough at art school. I've had three meetings today, signed a contract so long I stopped counting pages, and turned in wireframes for my latest PETA project. I have that familiar excitement and stress from starting new projects, new opportunities, worrying it's too much or not enough efforts.
But it's listening to Aaron's mix that has me smoking and writing. For the record, it's really good. And I'm pretty picky about my DJs skills. I'm thrilled he's in the next room sleeping, that we're diving headlong into living together. In Manila. Yeah, quite a relationship leap and this one has been fast tracking every time we've been in the same physical space. I'm finally getting enough sleep that I can be introspective and overly analytical. I find myself starting to meditate to stave off the alone time. And blogging, obviously.
Tonight it feels like a message in a bottle I'm tossing out into the universe. "I'm in love" written on some scrap with the half hope that it will yield comfort, half despair that there will be no reply. Each step closer to him is a step closer to my personal anxieties about myself. By loving him, I am discovering all of these interesting little quirks about myself. That really raw stuff I don't know if I'll ever have the guts to write down, much less publish. Stuff like not wanting him to ever see me fail. Or trip and fall when I'm in cute shoes. That kind of petty crap I tend towards when I'm smitten.
Tonight I'm face-to-face with a reason I've been seeking meditation: To reduce the risk of love. Sounds at odds, right? But I can see the strategy of looking to non attachment when the rest of my time feels so utterly, delightfully attached to this person. Break the spell a little, reduce the risk instead of going deeper into it, into the love part, the risky part, instead fight the attachment with not attaching. Over-analyzing? Hell yes, you did read the first paragraph to get here. It's coming up on a year from when I started this blog, the SE Asia episode of Rebecca eats some crazy ****! The stakes are higher, the country more difficult, the sleep schedule....
Speaking of which, I have a date with the pillow I shoved into my carryon, the Snugglogin from IKEA.