This journey is an in-ny and and out-y!

The Work reveals that what you think shouldn’t have happened should have happened. It should happen because it did, and no thinking in the world can change it. This doesn’t mean that you condone it or approve of it. It just means that you can see things without resistance and without the confusion of your inner struggle. No one wants their children to get sick, no one wants to be in a car accident; but when these things happen, how can it be helpful to mentally argue with them? We know better than to do that, yet we do it, because we don’t know how to stop. - Byron Katie

I've been listening to Byron Katie every day (need to switch it up with Thai one of these days) and doing lots of worksheets. Unlike a year ago where I plodded through each question and turn around, I'm finding the writing now more free-form at times, at others (when I'm most stuck in a belief that hurts) it's formulaic. Yesterday it was free-form, 5 pages total, and I was at total peace with what is in a particular relationship. For a few hours, even! I've reviewed the writing at least three times and every time I come back to reality and its loving arms.

I've speculated a lot today on the fact that at this hotel in particular, I'm exceptionally alone. The only other guests are either Thai or Japanese, and they seem to order a ton of American junk-food delivery (McDonald's delivers here and I've seen a lot of Pizza Hut too). I remember just a little over a year ago in a similar, alone-ness in Puerto Vallarta. There, as in here, it was intentional. In PV, however, I was absolutely miserable being alone for the first half +. I guess it was a walk on the beach, just before sunset on New Year's Eve, 2012, that the shift happened - alone was not possible and has never been possible since.

It was a Byron Katie exercise that really sank it in for me (the way she talks really speaks to me), it's where I imagine being in love, totally in love, that ecstatic feeling that is all-consuming. I was to first picture the person who was the object of that in-love state and really let myself be immersed in that feeling. Then, I would notice that I was only with myself. That in-love feeling wasn't coming from anything outside of me, it was IN me. I was that feeling (as much as any feeling) and I generated it. I can have that any time I want to. The now contains all possible states and is perfect just as it is. The inner arguments that I should be in Portland, I should be with friends, I should be at a party that I threw and carried on shoulders looking absolutely stunning while being adored... well, you get the picture... those arguments were keeping me from the absolute satisfaction of sun, sand, being with me, then. Seeing that moment as whole and perfect, I no longer argued with what should be, but enjoyed what was as what should be.

Now, I don't pretend to know how this must sounds, but what I do know is that my experience since then has been one of a human - stressed out at times, angry or frustrated, annoyed, happy, completely filled up with love, and it's always me - never anyone outside of me. Okay, so knowing that and KNOWING that (sustained state of total knowledge) has been an on and off exercise for the last 13+ months, but I do know one thing has remained and has been a constant: I am never lonely. Ever.

Sure, there are times (like today) where I want to share certain experiences with certain people (Berkeley, expect a huge message or personal album on Flickr soon - read at bottom), but the letting that go and totally immersing me in that experience is easier. I'm sharing this experience with that person who I've always shared it with. She's funny, poignant, ridiculous, defiant, sad, happy, and my best company.

Yes, I worry about ever attempting a long-term romantic relationship, since I have one that is so totally fulfilling. But that relationship with myself is the core, the foundation block to all other relationships. Imagine never needing someone else to stop feeling lonely, how that might alter all relationships. I love having people in my life and reach out all of the time to others. Is it necessary to stave off loneliness Not anymore. I get the joy of genuinely being with people because I want to, not because I need that component fulfilled. Now if I can get acceptance, approval, and love-seeking down, I'm home free! One at a time, I guess.

Okay Mom, started this one with esoteric! ;)

The last two days were routine, work, exercise, Thai classes, sleep, eat, the lot. Today I took myself on a little mini-adventure to the Culture Museum in the old city and was both wanting more and pleasantly surprised by the level of great it was! My favorites were the exhibits with the dioramas (little stuff!) and the big dioramas of human sized buildings and showing normal life in Chiang Mai, and Wat interiors (Wat is pronounced like you're asking a question - Wat?). Of course the largest room celebrated the King and Queen and their first visit to Chiang Mai back in the 50s - those two are lookers in their youth! Every year since, there is a holiday here to commemorate that day. There were pictures of the King signing autographs, taking photos (he's a photographer, which tickles me to no end - a sovereign taking photos and really seeing the place, the people), and at his side a very serene and lovely Queen.

I also poured over my various maps, internet, and LonelyPlanet guidebook to start thinking of phase 2.5319 The Diving Adventure after Chiang Mai. I've narrowed it down to three places that have ready access to the best dive sites and offer the cheapest housing (and least farang). In the background is the ever-present rise and fall ocean sound of traffic, Bonobo's albums in my ear, and a computer over which my complaining body is hunched.

Berkeley - thought this might inspire or be interesting due to your current class: http://www.flickr.com/photos/rebecca-mi/sets/72157632707112789/

Love the tiny tattoos