Last day in Bangkok. Forever? I don't know. I struggle with this concept, of having one last day, making the most of it, and the reality which is needing to work all day and into 0100 tomorrow. The struggle comes from that belief, I need to make the most of my last day in Bangkok (and possibly some reading this agree!). The most, as it appears today, is working. It funny how I don't think of Bangkok, haven't thought of Bangkok for over 35 years and today it is the playground of buildings in front of me beckoning to come and play. This city of angels (as its called) has existed, full and vibrant, without my acknowledgement and will continue long after I'm gone.
My day yesterday was spent in a similar fashion, working behind a fan, meeting up with my friend Nurze for dinner as the big outing. She joined me in purchasing supplies to restock the apartment of the goods I've used since returning, and we sat in the living room, chatting about love, life, work, and family. I got to spend almost two hours on the phone with my friend Kate too. She has recently done a new years exercise that I am trying: Writing down my intentions for 2013. The other half of the exercise, writing down top lessons learned in 2012 is remaining elusive, but I'm determined to examine this as well.
2013 Intentions:
This exercise has a lot more spaciousness than resolutions, and merely writing this out (now for the third time) feels purposeful.
I took some time to read last year's journal as well, here's an excerpt:
Countdown commensing in earnest, it's Enero 4th and I have to move tomorrow to a new hotel. Seven days until I land in Portland....Not enough time, not nearly enough. The question: Do I want to be married to Andy? Today, that life....is anxiety-ridden. I panic at the thought of trying to make that work, of being alone with him. That also feels ridiculous. How can I be so totally opposed to being with him? Can I imagine being with him in a good way at all? If I think about this as we go back to living seperately, dating, and seeing how it goes, the question REALLY is... Do you want to give up G? Good Lord, speak to ME!
Cut to one year later, no Andy, no G, just me and my computer on a balcony in Bangkok. Questions resolved, with and without me. I appreciate the parallelism of moving tomorrow, just as I did one year ago. Seeking a quieter place, an inner place, and hoping that, as I found one year ago, peace.
In that interest, I've written a letter to Aaron, seeking my own peace in apologizing, in recognizing the leap of faith he took in inviting me into his life here, in recognizing the sense of responsibility that must have had with it, in recognizing the immense gratitude I have for him in exploring Thailand with me for the first month. In the space of a week I have done a lot of inner work to unravel my stories of being rejected, of being victimized by something I don't understand, all in seeking this space here. This space feels like love and peace, so I know it's right to love Aaron, and to consider him a friend.