"Just like a dying tree in a dry land, suddenly refreshed and soaked with rain, reviving back to life. Strengthening and brightening up required. In order to achieve common targets, compromise and discussions recommended. Mismatch likely. A good luck coming your way."
It's 2:37am (3:09am....) and I'm a Nescafe and a Red Bull into never going to sleep...
Whether it's a fluke of translation or literal, I appreciate a prayer with requirements: "Strengthening and brightening required." Today it also requires flea medication. Ah, 400 B room, so utilitarian, so infested. But back to prayer #2, the very direct application of this prayer has manifested throughout the day as I've pulled it out and read it over 5 times. Strength and brightening at work, in travelling solo, in my thoughts, and in taking in a good vegetarian dinner. Pineapple and ginger shake for 40 B to start with. Yum! Let the reviving begin! And the itching end...
On reflection, I've realized the two conversations I've had since coming to Chiang Mai have been with a hooker and a hustler - obviously very social people with a great opportunity for Thai language practice!
I do pray for strength and brightening today. Strength to sit with my thoughts of love, loss, and loneliness. Brightening of ideas, possibilities, and those very dark thoughts led into the Thai sunlight. I also mine a healthy dose of superiority and relief from watching groups of tourists all clustered, discussing group mind-think freezing them in indecision (also in the path of tuk-tuks) as I walk past on a singular mission. Then there's the many types of couples as well, their momentary dynamic telegraphing to all.
Take the couple beside me at dinner. Her accusing him of not listening as she belabours some detail about someone saying something to his mother, distress. He, properly chaste, head bowed. He catches my eye before looking back down, afraid I'm listening, afraid she'll notice his inattention, however momentary. I feel for them both, locked in misunderstanding. Believing as most of us (and I mean 99.9%) do, that this other person should understand, should listen, should agree.
I check in with my dinner partner, yup, we agree fully. This dinner is hot, aloy aloy, and in total harmony. I wonder though, what am I telegraphing? Soledad? The completeness of being with my favorite person? The inaccessibility that I surely feel (please don't talk to me!)?
It's an 18 hour work day. From 8am to 2:30am, even my meal times and walking are spent trying to come up with new approaches. I take a cold plunge in the pool too - first because it's there, and second to jog my brain into new patterns. It works. I pinch another biting flea, enjoying the "now-ness" that small discomfort brings. Can fleas be a blessing?
The woman working the counter at the guesthouse doesn't know the word "flea" so I pull it up on my computer (thank you Google Translate) and she departs immediately for the pharmacy. I'm relieved she finally got it until she returns and hands me a tube of... Antibacterial, antiviral, antifungal, antieverything cream. For my itch, she says. Guess finding flea killing shit will wait for tomorrow.
Also on the list for tomorrow, another work marathon. Caught up (dare I hope it, done?) on freelance job #most-annoyed, caught up on PETA, now onto freelance job #next-most-annoyed. Wishing I was better at what I do, knowing it isn't easy for anyone but still wanting to be the standard deviation. Loving the short chat with my friend Melinda tonight, when she affirms that my continued and stringent silence is due to 80% of farang being just dumb-asses. Grateful it's not just me and that the only women here who look remotely interesting are deaf and use sign-language. Maybe if I knew what they were saying, I'd want to ignore them too...
Portland has made me elitist on some levels, although a good, honest conversation with a hooker or a hustler still has me hooked.
Mismatch is likely today. Maybe I should sleep that one off. Melinda tells me she can't wait for my trip to become awesome, and it is Sweetie, balanced beautifully, kharmically, yin and yang, with it's counterpart of crap. Until awesome reigns supreme, I'll listen to break up music, go silent for days, work ungodly hours while all other farang fumble through their vacations, and be grateful for every solo, flea-ridden moment.