Give your ears a treat....
Ah blog, how I've neglected you. Not for any good reason. Well, I did spend a good 30 minutes trying the other night. Finding my brain moving in the same nonsensical circles of confusion, repetition, panic at times.
Two pairs of shoes down this week. Oddly enough, one pair was the $1.67 pair of flip-flops purchased no less than 12 years ago from a Big Lots (Let's hear it West Coast for Pic n' Save!). Really the ugliest, rattiest, tore up flip flops I've ever adored for longer than any man in my life. Those hidious shoes, having won my favor after surviving so many other "cuter" pairs, walked away from Smile Guesthouse.
The other shoes went the way of the helmet in Pai.
Trying hard not to get overly negative but today started with me waking from a dream that haunted me for years. I would wake crying, struggling, and during those first few years, Andy would be there to comfort me. For it to come back after years of not being around... Where ever you go, there you are.
So here it is: I'm back in Pueblo, Colorado, living with my ex of 9 years, trying to make it work all over again. I wake in a panic everytime, everytime it's a conscious decision in my dream. I'm me, now, and I'm choosing to be where I was. Where was I that was so bad, that just a dream about it makes me panic now? Or better yet, what is it about now that invokes that dream?
Hey Randy - this is what I think you should paint on your kitchen ceiling... ;-)
I'm living in a wonderland and I can't seem to touch it most of the time. Money, time, work, I'm dipping my toe in, but not able to dive. Okay, I know, not a lot of sympathy for the woman who is living in a permanent holiday, right? But it's very much not that and I watch lots of the folks on holiday plan out their next week, overhear them as they pour over their Lonely Planet book. Jam it all in, see a gibbon, hose down an elephant, climb a limestone cliff, and scuba. It's a flurry of overnight train rides, short flights, and countless beers.
I'm chasing down wifi, a fridge, a steady place I can put my stuff and not have it walk off or be so damaged by locals or drunk farang (poor Honda Click) that I'm bleeding baht. How do I make a normalish life where I show up for work every day, manage meals, and fit in the occasional elephant scrub-down? Hence a three-day paralysis followed by a panic-driven nightmare of life passing by without getting in that flow.
It's not easy to find a one-month rental in which I can finish up freelance work, learn enough Thai to communicate such basics as "Where is the bathroom?", and cram in a few tourist things when my work time starts at 9pm and I can't go to sleep until 3am. Yup, this is the big boo-hoo blog entry and I'm so annoyed with myself I haven't been able to bring myself to even write this crap. Well, share it at least.
Worst of all, I'm no where different than I was or ever have been. Indecision, wanting to make the right decision, trying to make the best move, suck out the marrow. Guess I better take my brownie points for doing this sans men, sans friends, sans language, with great food, cheap, and in Thailand. Yeah, even I know it's time to suck it up, make a move, and be happy. Barefoot.